Friday, February 29, 2008

Are you sick too??

Maybe these will help... :)

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers. �*&@#$

MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!


I found this blog awhile ago. So inspirational. But the other day, he had the funniest thing on it ... check it out:

Nathan's 4 Very Effective Ways of Avoiding Contracting the Influenza and Certain Death While Riding on Elevators During Flu Season

Seriously, if you want to get sick, don't pay any attention to the secrets I'm about to disclose to you...

1) Don't touch anything or anyone. Not with your fingers, not with you clothes, not with your right kneecap. The only thing that should be touching anything is the bottoms of your shoes. Hopefully, somebody else will be going to your floor, but it might mean riding for a while until the the elevator decides to stop on your floor. Unless you are forced to perform CPR on somebody, don't touch anyone!

2) Don't ride with little children. I love kids, but they're germ magnets. If you see a child on the elevator, don't get on. If you are on and a child gets on, get off immediately. Unless you have your own children with you, and they're too scared to ride in a separate elevator without you, don't ride with little children!

3) Wear lots of layers. Just in case you do touch something/someone, or something/someone touches you, you still have a defense. By wearing layers, you can remove the contaminated layer and burn it in a trashcan (most elevators have trashcans nearby). The more rides you planning on taking on the elevator, the more layers you'll need to wear. Unless you are going to ride naked and shower immediately upon exiting the elevator (which seems just a little extreme to me), wear lots of layers.

4) Don't Breathe. Hold your breath. Even if you're not touching a thing, you still must hold your breath the entire time to completely avoid . If you can't make it all the way to your floor, get out, refuel, and then get back in. Or, you can wear an oxygen tank. Unless you're about to pass out and be forced to touch something or have somebody perform CPR on you, don't breath!

No need to thank me.

Nate


Too funny...

4 comments:

Candace said...

I have been following this Nathan's blog religiously. I can't stay away from it.

Mandy said...

Man sorry you have been sick, no fun!! And that you didn't make it to the funeral. It is probably good I didn't go because just looking at the pictures made me cry. Hope you are on the mend!

Sis Sarah said...

He he he, that was funny!!!

Erika said...

I loved that...very funny. So funny thing...you, Jack and Emma were in my dream last night. We were all just hanging out and having a grand time. I woke up and thought, well that was a little strange...maybe it's a sign that we all need to get together again! :)