Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Life happens.

First...thanks for all the nice comments, and funny ones, on my last post. It was one of those times, when writing, took on a life of it's own. That relationship, was over 20 years ago. I really never realized, what he meant to me, till Lisa stirred up memories for me. I started out, to write just about HS relationships. And it morphed into that...

I've since emailed him., and we have lead completely opposite lives. He has lived all over the world, with the Navy. I have pretty much stayed put, since I got married. He has two boys, that are the spitting image, by the way. His oldest, started college this fall, youngest is a senior.

As I was telling him about Jack, and...everything related...he was astounded. "You've been through so much!" Then he tells me, he was in the war, back in the 90's, twice. Has almost been deployed to Iraq, a number of times, but so far has escaped, and lost EVERYTHING in Katrina. Um...I'll take 6 surgeries, and a way cute baby thanks.

My point in telling all YOU this, it is has had me thinking. At one point, this boy and I thought we'd be together forever. But that is not what was destined. I tend to only think of the "right now." Everything is GREAT right now, or EVERYTHING STINKS, right now. Talking to him, has given me more of a life, even an eternal perspective.

First of all, the saying, "this too shall past." I'm just REALLY figuring out, the boys aren't little anymore, running around in diapers, cuz we didn't go anywhere. When we were in this stage, I thought, this is my life! Babies. Well people, they are 12 and 10. And it happened when I wasn't looking. Emma. She just rocks my world. But I still can't believe how old she is getting, and I still feel like I kind of missed some of it. Jack, is growing up before my eyes. I guess I've watched him do it more. I have SO many pictures. I have TREASURED his babyhood. Probably cuz we wondered if there would be one.

It is amazing to me, how long childbearing years are. I know, that probably sounds stupid, but really. I have been in my childbearing years, for about 25 or so years now. People I knew in HS, that got pregnant, have a child who is an adult, and could even be a grandparent. What is THAT!?!?! How did I get so old?? That is so not my point, but anyway...

It astounds me, how I have 4 kids, relatively young. And this man-now, is almost an empty nester. It happens when you are not looking. It happens, when you are trying to absorb EVERY moment, every bit of drool, every bit of learning to talk, every bit of learning to read, the tooth fairy, Santa Clause, Easter bunny, and little friends, and taking math tests, homework, and going on trips, and puppy love.

It is humbling to think that they will get old, whether I do anything about it or not. How can this boy...not a boy anymore...and I, that at one time, had a similar "wish" of an outcome, be in two totally different places.

I guess I have realized, I need to step it up. You hear people say all the time, "Love your kids with them, play with them, cuz before you know it, they will be gone." We were talking about how his kids are almost gone, and I was saying I had YEARS before mine were gone. BUT...Nick will be gone before I know it. The last 12 years, have gone by in what seems like a matter of days. So much has happened, but I feel like I've missed most of it.

So where do we find it. The balance of making sure we don't miss out on our kids' childhood. But also, making sure the house is clean. And giving of ourselves to the community, the school, our churches. I'm still learning to find that balance. Do we ever totally have it?

I think I've gone off an a tangent...again. I hope you can see what I'm trying to say. I have just realized, life is passing me by, while I sit in my funk. The world is not on pause, waiting for me to come out of it. I remember when Emma was born, and I was working at the school. I worked the day I went in to be induced, and had been there everyday, prior to that. I went back to school after sitting on my couch nursing for 6 weeks, and was kind of blown away, that whole time I was sitting on my couch, people were still living their lives. I know, I have problems. ;)

So I am resolving today, to stop my stupid behaviors, and get on with my life. Be a better mom, and wife, and friend. I need to do things that make ME happy, and not depend on others to make me happy. I need to cherish every moment, without over doing it. I need to not let the little things bog me down. I need to be the person I used to be... and more.

Wish me luck, it's easier said than done. But I think I just might be up for it!


Christine said...

oh goodness! Because Wesley is turning 10 tomorrow, I've already been feeling some of these things. I don't do well with thinking about *stuff*. It really depresses me so I've been trying to stuff that away and not think about it too much. Thanks for stirring it up right before bed-time! LOL!!

Jenn K said...

This is so what i am doing too. Its hard to see what you have done, but didn't because you had that cloud over your head. Good luck friend! I will cheer you on. GO JENNY GO!

Danielle said...

I think I would rather watch my kids growing than have a clean house, ya know what I mean? Someday when they have moved out, I will have a clean house, and I will miss having a big mess and funny little kids. My mom had this plaque with a poem on it, and I can't remember any but the last line. It's always stuck with me: "So fly away cobwebs, dust go to sleep; I'm rocking my baby, and babies don't keep."

Anonymous said...

Wow you said it all, life does fly by and as parents we see so many things that we wanted to do that we did not and then measure ourselves negatively.

I think to keep it in prospective, we must realize that we always intend to do probably way too much for the kids so if we meet 80% of our intentions it translates to 110% effort seen by the kids.

Your kids love is unconditional and you would be suprised to know that your kids will never know the other 20% we do not get to because we have been overtaken by life itself.

I think your true measure of success is just before you put your head down at night, if you can look yourself in the mirror and say "I truly did my best today" than you are the best Mom, Wife, and Friend. Jen you are a wonderful person, your family and friends know it and you are the final one to be convinced of your tremendous attributes.

With Warmest thoughts, Dan.