Best laid plans

Yesterday I was so distracted, I just hit publish, before I was really done, and I couldn't really collect my thoughts. So I'm going to try now.

If you have been through this process, you will know what I'm saying. Maybe it's just me, and the way my brain works. See, I'm a planner. I don't like a change an abrupt change in plans. And this... is abrupt. Since he was born, I have been planning on the summer after his third birthday. And now, it's tomorrow. I don't like when things sneak up on me. Don't get me wrong, I asked for this! I said, "Can we move it up?" But when reality sets in... mamma's freakin out.

So here's what I'm freaking out about. I know, you wanted a list... :)

• He's 3 now. He can protest.
• He's a three yr old, who wants to eat, the second he wakes up. And follows me around the house whining, until he gets something, and then not just something... EXACTLY WHAT HE WANT'S!!!
• He hasn't been under anesthesia in a yr and a half. His little body is different. How is that going to go?
• He's smart. What is HE going to think of all this?
• What is he going to think about the new hole in his mouth.
• What if they drop one of the screws in his throat? I know, not likely, whatever...
• What IS is palate going to look like? What if it hasn't grown together enough? What then?
• Oh, and I don't have a laptop this time. My brain, may implode. I'm just warning you.

I've been thinking alot lately about his speech. I've been told when the prosthesis comes out, they are more nasal sounding. I'm not really sure how much worse it can get with this kid. It should be interesting. Then I worry, is he going to stop talking, because it feels so weird?

But I heard a great webinar the other day. It was a speech therapist. What I realized was, even adults can relearn their speech patterns. Even I did. I grew up in Boston, where I'm sure you knw, they have HORRIBLE accents- and I say that with love. How they don't know this I'm not sure... heehee Anyway, I tried really hard when I moved away to lose the obvious ones. But my friends would catch me. They said when I talked fast, it would come out. Like quorta (quarter) things like that. All you Bostonians, don't send me hate mail, you know it's true! ;)

So it got me thinking about Jack. I have been so worried about PREVENTION with him. MAKING him say it right. But he doesn't even have the tools, so to speak-no pun intended ;). I have said over and over, the more he talks, the worse it gets! But that my friends is what speech therapy is for! He just needs to work on articulation! Getting the hole fixed in the roof of his mouth should help! So I am glad he is getting it fixed, before we start with a new speech therapist.

So I just keep thinking about how pre op will go. He is SO much older now. I mean , he really is a different person. When Emma had her's I explained it to her as much as I could, and she did pretty well. But he is big, but little. *sigh* Should be interesting.

Now I'm back to waiting... how I hate it. I wrote this last time, nothing has changed. I just reread it, and it makes me cry. I really don't want to, but again, I know this is in HIS best interest. Getting it out helps. Rereading past ventings, makes it worse though... ugh. :)

Sometimes.... it just sucks.

Sometimes... it rocks.

Here's to praying for the last one.