Examine your life.

I subscribe to LDS Nuggets. I got this one today. Sometimes...I get exactly what I need.

"I urge you to examine your life. Determine where you are and what you need to do to be the kind of person you want to be. Create inspiring, noble, and righteous goals that fire your imagination and create excitement in your heart. And then keep your eye on them. Work consistently towards achieving them."

--Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin, "Life's Lessons Learned", May 2007 Ensign

I was recently getting a lecture from a friend, about taking my life back. I feel like this depression has stolen my life. If you have dealt with this, you know what I mean.

One thing that has stuck with me from said lecture, is that I need to stop TRYING, and just do it! I have always said, if you are going to have a baby natural, you can't TRY, you have to be committed to it. If you go into it with the, "I will try to go as long as I can" attitude, you'll have a really hard time succeeding. I was telling me sweet friend this, and he said..."TAKE YOUR OWN ADVISE!!!" I had honestly never thought of my life in this regard. My friend/therapist ;) said, "Are you giving an honest effort to changing your life?" My first response was YES! But as we talked about it in depth, I realize I'm not. I'm giving a good effort, but not all that I have. But when you've dug yourself as deep a hole as I have, it is taking more than ALL I have to get out. It's a daily struggle with the old me, and the me I've become, and don't like. This whole concept of reinvention, melding the aspects I like about my old, and new life, and trashing the parts I don't. It's overwhelming, and exciting.

I'm doing things daily, to get my life back. One thing I'm doing, is to stop saying...Oh that is too hard. I just have to stop finding excuses and do it!! Easier said than done, but day by day, it's getting easier!

Stuff, Stuff and Stuff

Today was better. But I didn't really have a choice. Thrown back into life. No ones fault, just life. But really, my b u m, is great. It's weird really. Wasn't even that gimpy, if that makes sense. I have had a dull headache, all day. Three doses of m o t r i n, and still there. I hope I'm not catching Nick's crap.

I went to the Internal medicine Dr today. To check in on the happy pills. We're upping the dose, see if that helps. I took Jack and Emma, as it was just a chatting visit. When we pulled up to the hospital, where the office is, Emma said, "This is the hospital!" I said, "Yep, this is where they fixed my b u m!" As we were pulling up to valet, she said, "Are all these people getting their b u m's fixed?" Oh the mind of a child.

After the appointment, since Jack was with me, we went over to the Women's Center to visit Maternal Fetal Medicine. As we walked in, Emma said, "Isn't this where you got Jack?" heehee I'm actually kind of surprised she remembered it. We had a nice visit with our favorite ultrasound tech, and one of the Doctors. As you can imagine, they LOVE to see him doing as well as he is.I told them how I spoke in that class. Hopefully, they will refer moms to me going through some of the same stuff. It would be really cool, if we could do a special support group once a month or something. I'm going back to the hospital next week, for my post op. Maybe I'll run over again, and mention it!

~*~*~

If you don't know this about me, I LOVE reality competition shows. American Idol, I'm completely obsessed. Jan can't come fast enough. But luckily, America's Got Talent, So You Think You Can Dance, and Dancing with the Stars fill in the gap!! Oh how I love watching your average person go on to greatness.

I LOVE Dancing with the Stars. I thought it was kind of dumb the first couple seasons, and then thought I'd give it a chance last season. OH MY HECK!!! I LOVE IT. I love watching the goofy stars be graceful. Watching the little clips of how hard they work, and then seeing it pay off. I am of course LOVING Marie Osmond, and Jennie Garth, and even Jane Seymour, for doing the MOM representation. They are so fun to watch. Helio- something too hard to say, is SO fun to watch, and I love Julianne from last season. If you haven't seen it, you should check it out. Seriously, makes me so happy. Don't we all just need to have fun and pure happiness. There costumes are a tad immodest, but I just try to ignore it. And most of the time, the dancers BEAMING faces, overshadow, the lack of fabric!!

~*~*~

Oh, and I wanted to tell you what Parker made yesterday. I so wanted to get a picture of it, but it didn't work out. Anyway, he STOLE butter out of my fridge, and made a sculpture of a budda. That's right, and butter sculpture. I honestly didn't know whether to kill him or applaud him for his artistic abilities. I'll see if I can get him to make another one, so I can get a picture.

Updates and thoughts...

I've had so many deep thoughts this week, I realized I haven't given any updates! So here goes...

On being a guest speaker:

It went great! It was so fun. And people had really good questions. It's funny how when you tell a story, you don't realize what you've left out. Some were medical questions, some emotional. The professor asked, "Where do you find your strength?" How's that for a loaded question. The number one thing I said, was FAITH. Faith that he would be ok, faith that we would be able to handle it, if he wasn't. I also said how having support of family and friends makes a HUGE difference, and support groups too. I would totally be in the corner, sucking my thumb(to quote a friend) if I didn't have the support of those who have been there done that... They loved the video. I turned off the music, and let it play again, while I answered questions, so they could see the pictures again. They liked it, I think.

So, of course I forgot a couple of key points, but the most important one...not to terminate based of prenatal findings, I remembered. And, I told them about Early Intervention and how important it is, and how much they have helped Jack.

It really is amazing to me, that not only did I do well, but wasn't really nervous. Anyone who knows me can attest to the fact the old me, would NOT have done that!


On being the Sacrament Meeting Chorister:

It's going really well. So far. We've all been there together, it's been nice. Last week, Emma sat with me for the first two songs. She was cute, and so excited to sit up front! I've also had at least two people say..."SURE, I'd LOVE to sit with the kids!" One friend even said, "You don't even have to ask, I'll just do it." SO nice!!! It's so fun to stand up in front of everyone, and see my favorite people smiling at me! I also LOVE to sit up there, and watch Jack. He is so cute, and I love watching Steve with him. He loves Daddy so much!


On Emma's broken arm:

She's doing great! It smells, and is filthy, but she really isn't complaining much. She gets it off, a week from Monday. If you missed the picture before, here it is. She was SO adamant on NOT having her picture taken. She has her own mind, if you didn't know that already! So this one, I snuck in!!

She's been so excited to have people sign it, and shows it off all the time!!

She's even been great about taking a bath, she just puts her arm on the side of the tub. She even does a good job washing her hands!! I'm proud of her, she's been great! Although, her follow-up with urology, is this week, SO dreading it, I can't even tell you. I'm going to call on Monday, and see about some"don't care drugs". ugh


On the boys and school:

Nick is doing GREAT. His IEP is the BEST thing we could have EVER DONE He is struggling with old issues in a couple of classes, but the other 4, he has an A in! Math, the reason we even STARTED the IEP process, is going great! He has lots of extra help, and has had two tests now, and got an A on both!! He LOVES Jr High and Young Mens, and is just a busy little bee. He always has something going on. It's so fun watching him grow up!

Parker is doing great too! He's loving 4th grade, and has gotten really great about taking his meds, ON HIS OWN!!! YAY! Such a triumph! He's really growing up too! He does hate getting left behind, when Nick is off being "older". But that's life right! I think it's my fault. When they were little, they came as a set. They did everything together. So I recognize, he doesn't like being left behind. Hopefully, he'll be over it by the time Nick goes on a mission, or at least when he gets married! I picture him running after the limo...screaming...WHY CAN'T I COME??!! Ok, don't tell him I said that!!! *grin*


On Jack:

He's doing fine. We have another CT scan, a week from Monday. I think it will be fine, but who knows. One thing I am concerned about, is his under-bite, seems to be getting worse. His bottom teeth, completely cover his top two teeth.the middle front ones. I don't think they would do anything now, but it just adds to my worry, ya know? And his ankles are just getting worse. Oh my heck. We are currently waiting for a physical therapy consult, with our old PT, from early intervention. I'm tempted to just call up to Shriner's, and make an appointment. I think I'll wait to hear from Mike, and go from there! His OT, really wants to get some ideas, and helping him walk with his legs straighter. He walks so well, but with his knees bent. His hamstrings are pretty tight, which has always been an issue. So we'll see how that goes!


On ME:

It's been a week now, and I think the meds are helping with my mood. But I've also been really busy this week, with things that are good for my mood. If that makes sense. But... I never, at one point, didn't want to do anything. Ok, maybe a little, but I was able to overcome it, and go for it! That's HUGE!! I'm so glad I got off my butt and did something about my funk!

Also, MANY people this week, have had SO many great things to say. I encourage you to go read the comments. I especially want to thank Lisa, and Dan. You guys have helped me SO much lately. You ALWAYS have the right thing to say, and REALLY support me in everything I do. And have helped me see how great I can be! Even though I tell you, you are are mean(all the time) ;), I really appreciate it. Thanks guys!! I LOVE YOU GUYS...more than you'll ever know! I'm so luck to have you both in my life! And Steve has been great lately too, helping with the kids, and being willing to let me loose a few times. That is a GREAT mood stabilizer, getting out of the house!!! Thank You, Honey! I LOVE YOU!

Well, that's it for now. Lisa dragged me to a conference, and I really want to tell you about it, but I'll save it for tomorrow! :)

Oh, I also added another "Kid-ism"(scroll to the bottom of the page), and you can see all my Youtube videos, under those! Check it out!

Me...a public speaker?!?

I have ALWAYS hated public speaking. Which is weird. I love to sing, and perform. I've been in many performing groups, and plays. Been the lead in a few. But I hate to talk in church, or in front of a large crowd. I really think, it is because I have to use my own words. I never thought I put my words together well, and sometimes, I hate the sound of my voice.

But something changed, when I discovered I had something to say.

When we first found out about Jack, I scoured the internet, looking for some sort of hope, and support. I found out about blogs, and so it began.

The blogs I found were so comforting to me. It was so nice to know, we were not the only ones going through similar things. So I started my own, to hopefully be that for someone else. Plus it's a great way to keep people updated on the twists and turns.

So back in January, I sat on a parent panel, at the Birth Defects Conference. It was a nice way to ease in, because people just asked questions, and I would choose to either answer it, or not. Mostly did, cuz...well...I have a lot to say on the subject of Jack.

Then a friend called me last week, and asked me to speak to her Psychology class. They were studying, birth defects, and how knowing prenatally affects the parents. Um...right up my alley!!
I was supposed to go the Monday after she asked, but called her to postpone. I just could pull together what I wanted to say. What parts do I tell them? How much detail, do I give them birth defect facts, or numbers? Do I show them Jack's birthday slide show?

So I decided...to just tell the story, from the beginning. I prayed ALOT, to have the right things to say. And I made a new video. I put new pictures in, and kind of told the story. It went SO great, and while I was worried about filling up the whole time, I ran OUT of time, and I'm going back tomorrow. I'll show them the video, and the professor told them, they all had to write down 5 questions. OYE! Should be interesting! I'll let ya know how tomorrow goes. And here is the video. Like everything...It's not perfect, cuz the music is messed up in the beginning, but once you are past it... Well I hope you'll enjoy it!!

Reinvention

I overheard a couple of women talking today. I didn't hear much of it, but she was talking about "reinventing" yourself. It really hit me. I keep saying, "I'm not the same person I used to be." Like it is a bad thing. I have been so down on myself, but I need to change my thinking.

We shouldn't think it's a bad thing, if we don't get to do the things we used to do. Each life event, changes us. Whether we want it to or not. Some we choose, others a thrust upon us. Shouldn't we always be "reinventing" ourselves? Instead of whining that life has changed?

So...I need to figure out, who this new me is. Is she a mom struggling to make sure everyone is happy? Is she an advocate, for those who can't advocate for themselves? I guess it all comes back to balance.

But what I'm trying to convince myself is, sure I may not have the same friends, or even the same goals as I did before Jack. But, I have GOT to figure out what exactly my goals are, LIFE goals, not just for today or this week.

I need to REINVENT myself. And stop whining about who I used to be. I will never be her again. But it's not all a bad thing. Now I just need to meld the old me and the new me! REINVENT me. I don't think it will be hard, it's just RENAMING it. Ya know?

I WENT to the doctor!

Well, I really liked her. And I liked her nurse. That is SO important to me. If the staff is horrid, I won't even consider the Dr.

I told her all of my symptoms, and she feels they are ALL related to depression. The hair... stress. Alopecia Areata is what she says it is. And there's nothing that can be done about it. Well, that's not totally true, I can destress my life. Then it will stop falling out, and regrow. Isn't that nice. And she doesn't think it's menopause related at all. Now I feel younger!! ;)

She also gave me happy pills! YAY!! She said, it will give me more energy! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYA!!!!! *sigh* I HOPE it is true. HOPE HOPE HOPE....

I'll try to keep you posted. But honestly, knowing everyone is out there, cheering me on, means SO much to me!

THANK YOU!!!

I'm going to the doctor...

So I mentioned my hair falling out. BIG bald spot. It's so pretty. Thankfully, it is in my crown, so it is only obvious, if you are above me!

You also might know, how tired, depressed and moodyI am, and I have trouble sleeping, AND get REALLY hot, and sweaty, with little activity, and the thermostat at 65. All but the hair falling out, are classic signs of Peri-menopause. Did I mention in my last post, how I'm getting old?!?! *sigh*

So here is my frustration. I called my OB/GYN about the bald spot, and they said, OH, we don't handle stuff like that. Here is the name of an Internist-Internal medicine. I call them, and tell them I have a bald spot, can they help me? They say yep!

Then I start to realize the menopause stuff. ugh

So my appointment, has finally arrived! With the Internist. NOT the OB/GYN. *rolling eyes* If they say, Oh, you need hormone therapy, you need to see a GYN, I may go freaky on them.

JUST FIX ME WILL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, I'm gonna ask about happy pills too... think that might be a good idea??

Life happens.

First...thanks for all the nice comments, and funny ones, on my last post. It was one of those times, when writing, took on a life of it's own. That relationship, was over 20 years ago. I really never realized, what he meant to me, till Lisa stirred up memories for me. I started out, to write just about HS relationships. And it morphed into that...

I've since emailed him., and we have lead completely opposite lives. He has lived all over the world, with the Navy. I have pretty much stayed put, since I got married. He has two boys, that are the spitting image, by the way. His oldest, started college this fall, youngest is a senior.

As I was telling him about Jack, and...everything related...he was astounded. "You've been through so much!" Then he tells me, he was in the war, back in the 90's, twice. Has almost been deployed to Iraq, a number of times, but so far has escaped, and lost EVERYTHING in Katrina. Um...I'll take 6 surgeries, and a way cute baby thanks.

My point in telling all YOU this, it is has had me thinking. At one point, this boy and I thought we'd be together forever. But that is not what was destined. I tend to only think of the "right now." Everything is GREAT right now, or EVERYTHING STINKS, right now. Talking to him, has given me more of a life, even an eternal perspective.

First of all, the saying, "this too shall past." I'm just REALLY figuring out, the boys aren't little anymore, running around in diapers, cuz we didn't go anywhere. When we were in this stage, I thought, this is my life! Babies. Well people, they are 12 and 10. And it happened when I wasn't looking. Emma. She just rocks my world. But I still can't believe how old she is getting, and I still feel like I kind of missed some of it. Jack, is growing up before my eyes. I guess I've watched him do it more. I have SO many pictures. I have TREASURED his babyhood. Probably cuz we wondered if there would be one.

It is amazing to me, how long childbearing years are. I know, that probably sounds stupid, but really. I have been in my childbearing years, for about 25 or so years now. People I knew in HS, that got pregnant, have a child who is an adult, and could even be a grandparent. What is THAT!?!?! How did I get so old?? That is so not my point, but anyway...

It astounds me, how I have 4 kids, relatively young. And this man-now, is almost an empty nester. It happens when you are not looking. It happens, when you are trying to absorb EVERY moment, every bit of drool, every bit of learning to talk, every bit of learning to read, the tooth fairy, Santa Clause, Easter bunny, and little friends, and taking math tests, homework, and going on trips, and puppy love.

It is humbling to think that they will get old, whether I do anything about it or not. How can this boy...not a boy anymore...and I, that at one time, had a similar "wish" of an outcome, be in two totally different places.

I guess I have realized, I need to step it up. You hear people say all the time, "Love your kids NOW...be with them, play with them, cuz before you know it, they will be gone." We were talking about how his kids are almost gone, and I was saying I had YEARS before mine were gone. BUT...Nick will be gone before I know it. The last 12 years, have gone by in what seems like a matter of days. So much has happened, but I feel like I've missed most of it.

So where do we find it. The balance of making sure we don't miss out on our kids' childhood. But also, making sure the house is clean. And giving of ourselves to the community, the school, our churches. I'm still learning to find that balance. Do we ever totally have it?

I think I've gone off an a tangent...again. I hope you can see what I'm trying to say. I have just realized, life is passing me by, while I sit in my funk. The world is not on pause, waiting for me to come out of it. I remember when Emma was born, and I was working at the school. I worked the day I went in to be induced, and had been there everyday, prior to that. I went back to school after sitting on my couch nursing for 6 weeks, and was kind of blown away, that whole time I was sitting on my couch, people were still living their lives. I know, I have problems. ;)

So I am resolving today, to stop my stupid behaviors, and get on with my life. Be a better mom, and wife, and friend. I need to do things that make ME happy, and not depend on others to make me happy. I need to cherish every moment, without over doing it. I need to not let the little things bog me down. I need to be the person I used to be... and more.

Wish me luck, it's easier said than done. But I think I just might be up for it!

Free Agency stinks...

Warning: This is very religious!

"Freedom for most people of the world means “freedom from” the absence of malice or pain or suppression. But the freedom that God means when He deals with us, goes one step further. He means “freedom to”—the freedom to act in the dignity of our own choice." F. Enzio Busche, “Freedom ‘from’ or Freedom ‘to’,” Liahona, Jan 2001, 97–99

I have made this choice many times. When I was a youth, I was counseled time and time again, "Make the choice now". Whether it be moral, or smoking, or drinking. Sure, I made the choice, I wasn't going to do things that were harmful to me. I went to church, and don't ever remember, as a youth, NOT wanting to go. I suppose, it was never an option to go or not. My Dad, most of my growing up, didn't go. But I honestly don't remember thinking, well I can stay home if he is. My mom may tell you different, but that is fine, she usually does. *smirk*

When I graduated, I went off to school. I went to be with the mormons. So again, going to church was what we did. Sure it made me happy, sure it helped me make right choices. But everybody went, so...so did I.

I had a good friend who went on a mission, and get sent home for having sex. We talked many times about Free Agency, and how you just need to make the choice, and deal with the consequences good or bad. We talked about how it's just easier to do the right thing, once you've made the choice. When your friends say, "Let's go out drinking...you just say no!" You don't have to think about it, the decision was made years ago.

I remember when he was excommunicated. He couldn't understand why they took everything away from him. I said, well, you made a choice, and it was the wrong one. His wrong choices affected many people. His family, cuz he was sent home dishonorably. The girl he had sex with. His missionary companion. And me. We dated, but were not dating when he left, we were friends. I watched him go through this, and how painful it was. ONE stupid choice, lead to years of pain. He married the girl, and was MISERABLE. Seems to me he called me from a closet once, she was very controlling. But I digress. He has since been rebaptized, and remarried, to a wonderful girl. I haven't talked to him in YEARS, but think of him and his free agency often.

Back to me. So then I went and met a cute boy. He wasn't a member of the church, but he sure was cute. We dated off and on for about a year and a half. I wanted to get married he didn't. I wanted to get married in the temple. He didn't even want to go to church. So I left, and went to California.

He didn't like that I left, and decided if he wanted me, he better start using HIS agency to make right choices. A year later, he asked me to marry him. He had been making right choices all that time. Funny thing is, I wasn't making very good choices in California, but it all changed for both of us, we were married in the temple, and life was grand.

We kept making right choices, and some wrong ones, but never wavered in our faith. Now we are a family. Last year, was trying. On faith, on going to church. We were in a new ward, and it was different. The people are different. The ward we moved out of, we had been in for 12 years. We grew up in that ward, we had 3 kids in that ward. It was family. It was REALLY hard to start over.

When we were told Jack wouldn't live. We had faith he would. We grew stronger as a family. Then when he was born, and was "fine", and we had to keep him home alot, it started. Suddenly, church was an option. Not CHURCH, but going. We were given such a miracle in Jack. I felt guilty for turning my back on church. Not that I was turning my back on anything, but the kids, learned...church was an option. If Mom doesn't go, we don't have to either. I decided a while ago, maybe beginning of the summer, it was no longer an option. We were falling apart, and needed the spirit back in our home. So...I decided that. See... free agency.

So...I struggle with them at church. I would GO but then let them go home after primary. This new ward, has Sacrament Meeting last. Well, yesterday, I decided, I wasn't going to let anyone stop me from going, and STAYING at church. That was a mistake. Satan was in charge. Then it happened. "We are making some changes. We'd like you to be the new ward chorister."

My heart sank. My eyes fill up with tears retelling you. This is BY FAR my favorite thing to do at church. BY FAR!!! It entails, leading the singing, for 3 sometimes 4 songs during the service. I get to pick them, and stand up and see everyones smiling faces. Why does my heart sink you ask? Because of Free Agency, I am sometimes at church alone. I have a 12 yr old, who is now passing to sacrament, and isn't sitting with us for 2 of the songs. I have a 10 yr old, who teases the 4 yr old incessantly, and my sweet baby. Who, by the third hour, is done. I am scared to death, at the prospect of doing this alone. But will I really be alone? Maybe this is just the thing the boys need to take some responsibility.

Ya know, I told you before, my Dad didn't go to church most of the time. My Mom played the organ. One of our funniest childhood memories, is the glares from the organ, when we were being too rowdy. But we were older. And there was no baby. I told the man who offered me this "job", my Mom did it, so can I. But can I? I think the Lord thinks I can. Otherwise, He wouldn't have "mentioned it" to anyone. Hey, I can do lots of things. I can survive 6 surgeries, on my sweet baby. I can survive 6 trips to the ER in 2 months. I can survive my mother. ;) I can survive the black cloud that has taken residence over my house. I can certainly survive leading the music, while my kids are embarrassing themselves. If I have to hold the baby, so be it. RIGHT??? So I'm invoking MY Free Agency. I have been given the freedom to choose, and I am choosing to be happy, despite what people around me are choosing.

I'll let you know how it goes...

July Yippee, and more stress...

I told you I've been crawling out of this hellish life/hole, I've dug for myself, right!Well...

I would like to announce to the world wide web: I have made dinner AND kept the kitchen clean for almost a week!!! I just couldn't contain myself!

I seriously deserve a medal!! I've been in that...fix something for Emma, make Jack a bottle, and the rest fend for yourselves. Or ...pizza, chinese, or Arby's. I know...it's sad. And...eat it walking around the house, or sitting on the couch, or on the floor, on a blanket sometimes. There were NEVER an clean dishes, cuz emptying the dishwasher is a boys' chore. So it was emptied over time as you needed something.

So this week, I decided to turn it all around, and Steve asked me to! :) We have had a meal, at the table, with REAL plates, and a clean kitchen at the end of the night, for a week.

It's been hard, but so worth it! Thanks for letting me share!!

~*~
So... Nick is all registered for school. UGH! We've already had a problem. As I told you before Nick got an IEP at the end of last year. Part of it includes a very cool class, every day, called applied skills. Well, it wasn't on his schedule. *sigh* Which means, the "assisted ed"(instead of special ed) teacher hasn't looked over Nicks schedule. We talked to, NOT, his guidance councilor, and she is fixing it. (she was available, and his was not-they go by alphabet) But it does make me nervous. If it's starting out this way...ya know? I';m going to a workshop tonight, about getting the most out of your IEP, so I'm hoping that will help!

I'll keep you posted on that.

~*~
Also, my neighbor, invited Parker to go "camping" with them. It is for 3 days, and about 2 hours away. They are going to Bear Lake, with a bunch of people from her mom's work. And she told me, a lot of those people drink(not lemonade and soda) and such. We decided not to let him go. I feel so bad. I know how much he wanted to go, I want to go! I just don't think he is old enough to go away for 3 days. He is also very impulsive and distracted. He wanders off, and doesn't even know he did. He also has been dealing with panic attacks. They have gotten better, but you never know when one is going to pop up. AND he has trouble sleeping. He has slept over at their house a few times, and come home at 2 am, cuz he couldn't sleep and had a panic attack! I know, he's almost 10. But he just isn't ready. I'm trying to "go with my boobs", and trust my mommy instinct. But he is SO mad, and hurt. I don't know. Any insight you might have would help. Even to validate me!!

~*~
Well, I'm off to PTA meeting, to official start the school year. Last year I brought someone to make sure I don't sign up for stuff. This year, I'm going it alone. Wish me luck!!!

I'm here...treading water...

Sorry it's been so long. Many emotional things going on. Trying to crawl out of the hellish life I've dug for myself. I'm on the up climb I think. I hope. It is up to me after all.

So let's see... with my Mom's help, The boys are getting there room cleaned up. They have bunk beds that have been stacked since Jack was born, but Parker feeling isolated I guess, on top. So last night we moved their beds around, and their furniture. They LOVE it! And Emma and Jack like it too, cuz they can play in there now. My mom said, "How does so much stuff get on their floor?" I said..."Seriously...they just drop it when they are done!" Anyway, I hope they will keep it nice. And ya, ya, I need to make them. *sticking tongue out*

Jack is just all over the place. Yesterday, he climbed onto my chair, up the back, and was playing with stuff on the mantel. OY VEY... Every time I turn around, he is into something else! We've missed alot of church this summer, for lots of reasons, illness, out of townness, laziness. So people haven't really seen Jack walking yet. In our womens meeting, some one was addressing the group, and commented on Jack walking. And what a miracle he is.

You know, I forget. When he's splashing in the toilet, eating poop like it's a brownie, or dumping out a bag of cereal on the floor, or throwing a hissy fit, cuz I walked by and didn't pick him up. I don't know how I could forget , but I do. I look at him now, and I don't think there is anything wrong with him. He has his MRI on the 13th. I'm SO curious what it will show. So curious. His ankle turn in still when he walks, and I haven't put his DAFO's on in weeks. I'm sure they don't even fit him now. But he is doing good, so I don't worry. BUT...I worry that he should wear them, and I'm causing him future problems. Whatever...

Emma is doing better everyday. We had her follow up last week, and a renal ultrasound. They found that her right kidney is still dilated. Which is normal, but needs to be rechecked. And...they are going to have to do a nuclear cystogram, which is to put it lightly....HORRID. The last time she had it done, she was MORTIFIED, to say the least. *sigh* I think I'm going to call and see if I can get her some valium or something. It's not till Sept 29th. But I am SO not looking forward to it. This one, I can't sugarcoat. UGH... When we went to the hospital for her follow up, she wanted to go to the fountain near the front door, and make a wish. Her wish..."I wish I didn't have to have surgery". It's funny, and sad.

So Nick. Nick turns 12 a week from Friday. I'm not sure how I feel about this. I'm trying not to think about how old it makes me. But this 12th birthday weekend, is HUGE. He starts Jr High on his birthday. He graduates from Primary, our children's church group. And starts going to Young Men's, our church youth group. He also will become a deacon, and pass the Sacrament. Here's another great article about all his changes at church. Of course I think he's not ready. But I'm pretty sure every mom does. They have also invited Nick to go to Youth Conference. THIS gave me a panic attack. It's a fun spiritual weekend, that when I was a teenager, you couldn't go till you were 14. This is on a smaller level, so the 12 and 13 yr old CAN go. ANYWAY....lots of changes coming up for Nick. And me...wish me luck!

So I decided to try a sippy cup with Jack again... Check it out...again...ignore me...you can here him SWALLOW!!! Sorry, I can't get it to embed. Stupid google.

So that is us, Oh...and check kid-isms, there is a new one!!!

Ok...enough sulking...CONFERENCE REPORT!!!

Ya know how sometimes, it's so bad, and has been so bad for so long, you just don't have the strength to get out. Well, sorry you had to witness it, but I'm crawling my way out.

And I think I'm ready to tell you about the conference! This may be long...

First off...It was everything I wanted it to be for the boys. Nick and Parker. They got SO MUCH out of it! They got to go to some great classes. How to handle a bully, signing classes, how to make the most out of school. Nick went to a Transition one, about getting ready for Jr High. They each got to do an art project about, "What makes you unique!" They had a blast! Made lots of new friends, and Nick even found puppy love! SO CUTE!

Steve and I, collectively, went to all the classes. Emma, was being hard the first day, and Jack needed a nap. So we switched off. The second day, I spent more time networking, and connecting with new and old friends, and talking to vendors, then in classes. But Steve went, and these were mostly info classes anyway.

The vender's were great! These guys, are changing the world of closing clefts. If I was in charge, they would be cheaper, but hey, I can't be in charge of everything... I even said to the vendor, this makes me want to have another baby with a cleft! Just for the fact that it makes taping so much easier. He told me later he told his boss I said that. Maybe they'll use it on new fliers! Ya right. Now they just need to figure out what to do about nasal stints!! I told them, and they are getting to work on it! *grin* They also have a GREAT product for closing wounds! Check out all their stuff!

This product I was MOST excited about! I wish I had a better grip on how to get it at PCMC. I told the guy demoing it, I would be willing to come to his presentation to our Docs, as a parent. So we'll see! One of our plastic surgeons on the craniofacial team is looking into it. I'm hoping it will go in at the hospital. It has SO many great applications. I talked to him quite a bit. I'll let you know how that goes! Check it out if you haven't. I think it would have saved Jack at least one or more procedures!

Just an overview/Jenny version... They take a 3D picture, and get a mathematical version with precise measurements of the distance between two points. For example, the eyes, or the length of the nose. When measuring the nose, it will give you two measurements. From the first point, right between the eyes, to the second point just around to the tip, straight. The other measures all the bumps and ridges! SO COOL. We did Nick, and Jack. It was amazing, well not really, but the difference between their straight and bumps numbers were so different. Jack's numbers were almost the same. Nick's were quite different. They can also measure mass. Whether it be the cheek, or a breast needing reconstruction.

They also take the CT scan, and meld it with their picture. Then they can move things, and it will tell them all the soft and hard tissue that will be affected if they were to move it that far. For instance, a Jaw extraction. They can map out ahead of time, how far to move it, and know how far is too far. Again, I could see this would have maybe helped Jack. We didn't know until he was IN surgery, that he couldn't have the full lip repair. With this system, maybe they would have know ahead of time. Of course it's all hindsight, and we'll never know, but they can also measure for appliances. They use it for helmets all the time. Jack had to have two molds done. This would eliminate having to take a mold!

ANYWAY...sorry to go off about the 3D MD. It was just so cool! I hope I can be instrumental in getting one in Utah!

Ronald Strauss was one of the presenters, and I believe, we were meant to meet. He and I are going to change the world. Ok, I'm dreaming big, but...HE WANTS TO HEAR MY STORY!!! Our prenatal story. He headed up a discussion, entitled, "Early Starts: Implications of Prenatal Diagnosis for the Care of Craniofacial Conditions." Um, do you think I had anything to say!? maybe a little. We talked after, and he asked me if I was a writer. I told him a little about this here blog, and we exchanged contact info! I'm so excited to have found the person who will help me. I feel like I have won Miss America, and I can talk about my platform!

DON'T TERMINATE BASED ON PRENATAL FINDINGS!!!

I look at Jack now, and can't believe I even considered listening to them. I was just trying to find in the old blog, where I talked about it, and got sucked in. Wow. It's kind of hard to read it, and kind of therapeutic! Weird...

Let's see...what else...OH...

"Hey, Where did our life go? Nurturing a Family Life and A Couple's Connection: A Field Guide to Life After Crisis." Anyone think this one applies to me and Steve?? Ya know, I have to say, the biggest thing we got out of this class, was that we are NORMAL!! Everybody feels this way.

They was a workshop on Dental care with a cleft, and a Parents Guide to bullying. You know, how to make a kid feel REALLY bad! NO... it was GREAT and the teacher was great too!!

There were 2 key note speakers. The first day was Dr Strauss talking about social stigmas, with facial anomalies, and how to help kids with them. Then he showed us a little bit of a study they are doing with teens, and how they handle comments, and stares. They had the same situation, and then changed how the kids handled them. THAT was awesome. It's all in how you react. You can get mad, and offended, or make it an opportunity to educate!

The second day was Cindi Broaddus. Here is an interview with Larry King. She was so neat. Sorry to use that word, but she just was. She has such a great attitude, and outlook on life. Enjoy reading about her!

Tuesday, I had been planning on going home after lunch. We had to drive straight home, and it is 7 hours with no stopping. I told the head of the conference we were leaving, said good bye to a few other people, and the kids BEGGED to stay! *sigh* The last 2 classes were about fighting insurance companies, and then a medical panel answered a lot of questions! Both were great! The kids had fun playing with the Child life specialists, and learning about hospital stuff. They got SO MUCH FUN STUFF! Stuffed animals, hospital stuff, all kinds of things.

Then they had an ice cream social. YUM! The Disney Store had donated a Plush toy for every child at the conference. And we got a gift bag for the family! WOW! This was full to the brim! It had craft stuff, and toys, and dental floss, and toothpaste, and toothbrushes! We joked we'd need a u haul to get all of it home! I'm so glad we stayed. We got to say proper good byes. We headed out of Vegas at 6:00 pm. UGH! We only stopped once! Believe it or not! We had dinner in St. George, and drove straight home from there! The kids slept most of the way, and we got home around 2:30 am. YUCK! Jack unfortunately, was wide awake. But finally went back to sleep around 3 ish.

I'm still sick to my stomach about my pictures. Maybe they will be saved, but I don't have high hopes. I know lots of other people took many, and I've put out a plea for them to share with me!

As I told you before, we didn't get to do anything touristy. We were not only low on funds, but time. The conference kept us busy, and then we were pooped out at night. I did take the boys down the strip Sunday night. And Parker fell asleep! *rolling eyes* It was just as well, all the naked butts on the cabs, are hard to avoid driving down the strip! UGH... there are half naked women EVERYWHERE!!!

So sorry about my mood last time I posted. But I hope you enjoyed my recap of the conference!

Wish I wasn't home

Coming home to a dirty house...bad idea. Then add all the unpacking...bad idea. Sorry I haven't been on. As I alluded to before my laptop-where I do ALL my stuff- was on the fritz. Well, it is now officially dead, waiting to be revived. Till someone can fit it into his schedule to take it to a professional. When it died, it took all my pictures from Vegas with it. It makes me so sick to my stomach, I can't even tell you. I've been crying about it all day. Every time I think about it, I get a panic attack. It's been a bad day to be cut off from the world. Oh, and the main computer died too. I'm starting to think it's a conspiracy! ...honestly.

So things suck at my house. It's NOT good to be home. There's no food, and we spent all our money in Vegas. I would LOVE to tell you all the wonderfully things that happened in Vegas, but honestly, it's too painful, having just lost all the pictures, and video. Just now it was nice, and now it sucks.

Right now, I'm a freakin loser at the library. So if you comment, I won't know till I can get back here.

*sigh*

My weekend plans, go between, mental hospital, and church campout. Which will win ... I'm not sure at this point.

Sorry to be a bummer, I just don't have it in my to be fake happy, for the 30 minutes I have to tell you I'm not dead, but feel like it.

Hugs, and I hope to feel better soon.